I killed my first snake today.
I’ve seen a few snakes in my life but I’ve never been close enough for long enough to kill one.
But today was different. Today, that angry, vicious seed of Satan didn’t give me a choice.
I killed in self-defense.
I have no remorse, and I would gladly do it again, though I hope it never comes to that. I’ll see this one in my nightmares.
Look, even though snakes are the spawn of Satan (any good theologian will confirm it) I don’t go around wishing them ill will. That only happens when I see one.
This snake, which I’ll call Sneaky from now on, obviously had evil intentional as it DID NOT make its presence known until it arrive at the perfect kill distance.
I had been mowing for half an hour, so Sneaky had time to position himself for the perfect strike. Sneaky had calculated that with the element of surprise it could take me down. But Sneaky had not done its homework because it didn’t realize how quick I am. Nor had it planned against my powerful fear of snakes.
And don’t give me this garbage of how snakes are more afraid of me than I am of them. Sneaky was anything but fearful, as proven by its well-planned attack. But even if Sneaky felt fear, it could not have surpassed mine without falling into a self-induced coma.
It’s true, I may have been a bigger physical specimen than Sneaky, but at nearly eighteen inches long, this was no toy to be played with. Sneaky was easily the most frightening creature I have ever encountered.
While I performed my neighborly responsibility of beautifying my lawn, Sneaky darted in front of my mower like a blur. Fortunately, my instincts took control before my conscious mind had time to register the threat. Otherwise, I might not be around to finish raising my children.
I shoved the mower forward and caught just enough of Sneaky to stop it in its tracks. If I hadn’t used my amazing quickness to catch its tale with the mower blade, no telling what unfathomable evil move Sneaky would have performed next. Fortunately for my sake, and frankly the community of Halstead at large, I stopped Sneaky dead in its tracks. I was probably the first in its planned killing spree.
I’ve seen plenty of horror movies and I knew once I had put a stop to Sneaky that my job was not complete. I pushed the mower forward, while stepping back in case Sneaky revived to slide out the back of the mower and attack. I left the mower on top of Sneaky for at least thirty seconds. Okay, that might be a bit of an exaggeration. I left the mower on top of Sneaky for a good minute, to make sure it would never terrorize Halstead again.
I didn’t kill Sneaky for the fame, or for revenge. Sneaky forced my hand. That being said, I’m proud of my accomplishment, even though I may now be suffering from PTSD. In spite of the recurring nightmares and long-term disability I now face, I would do it all over again for my children and my community.
I expect the mayor will call any day to offer congratulations, and probably a medal and small ceremony. I suppose I’ll accept, if for no other reason than to send a warning to all other snakes in the area.
It’s the least I can do.